1996-1998

When Benjamin Sasse babysat teenage Congressional Pages as their dorm proctor, there was a vast whisper network about GOP predators targeting GOP Pages. "Almost the first day I got there I was warned,” recalls Mark Beck-Heyman about Mark Foley’s solicitations of underage youths. One wonders: Did Proctor Benjamin warn his page boys about the caterpillar fingers in Congress? Or did he look the other way, trading children’s safety for his own career advancement?

1999-2004

Benjamin Sasse got his Yale Ph.D. in History with a dissertation on 1960s theocratic propaganda: how to use Christian distemper to score votes. With this playbook as his calling card, pseudo-scholar Benjamin Sasse skittered through various federal agencies in Washington, D.C., working in tandem with some of the most corrupt figures of the 21st century . . .

2004-2005

Benjamin Sasse was chief of staff for The U.S. Department of Justice Office of Legal Policy, notorious for the “torture memos” penned by John C. Yoo and Jay S. Bybee (and abetted by Brett Kavanaugh). Several months into Sasse’s tenure with the OLP, these torture memos were exposed. In the frenzy to save face, the OLP revised its torture guidelines to authorize only waterboarding, walling, stress positions, striking a prisoner, exposure to extreme temperatures, and forced sleep deprivation of up to 7.5 days. Sasse would later hark back to his OLP engagement with the pride of a champion swine breeder: “I have seen up close the wonderful pedigree of providing dispassionate, objective policy advice to public officials, regardless of policy or ideology.” Do we have pseudo-lawyer Benjamin Sasse to thank for the “pedigree” of our nation’s kinder, gentler torture techniques? Or was Sasse’s official complicity with torture equivalent to that of his OLP colleague Brett Kavanaugh: "I am not involved in the questions about the rules governing detention of combatants”?

2005

Benjamin Sasse worked as a consultant to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security during its flagship year of total catastrophe. Some highlights: the appointment of Sasse’s DOJ colleague and known human rights abuser Michael Chertoff as DHS secretary, the agency’s failed efforts to violate union contracts, and the wretched excess of degeneracy shown by DHS/FEMA after Hurricane Katrina. These episodes beg the question of what, exactly, pseudo-agent Benjamin Sasse advised DHS to do—or not to do?

2005 (It was a busy year for Ben!)

Benjamin Sasse moonlighted as chief of staff for now-former U.S. Representative Jeff Fortenberry, who would in 2022 be “found guilty of concealing and lying to investigators,” as explained in this memo from the Department of Justice, where master henchman Benjamin Sasse no longer holds any sway on behalf of his benefactors.

2007-2009

Benjamin Sasse was appointed Assistant Secretary, Planning and Evaluation, at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, overlapping with his pal Alex Azar. Azar used HHS to pave the way for his own enrichment, strengthening government connections with the pharmaceutical industry before jumping ship to Eli Lilly. (There he gained notoriety for price-gouging diabetics. He later gained further notoriety for the greatest public health disaster in U.S. History as HHS Secretary under Trump.) In 2009, pseudo-clinician Benjamin Sasse cashed in on his own HHS connections, enriching himself as advisor to private equity clients while writing specious op-eds against the Affordable Care Act.

2010-2014

Slipstreaming his Grandpa Elmer Benjamin Sasse, Benjamin Sasse swept into Fremont, Nebraska, to run Midland Lutheran College. As the new big man on campus, he immediately abolished tenure (i.e., job security) and appointed imminent sex trafficker Jason Dannelly as athletic director. Celebrating this bold new hire, President Sasse asserted the virtue of athletics: “It develops community and student engagement opportunities.” Maybe Dannelly was emboldened by Sasse’s career-launching stint as overseer to Mark Foley’s victim quarry. Or maybe he interpreted “student engagement opportunities” as a rally cry for souteneurs. In the immortal words of Fats Waller: One never knows, do one? But the facts are clear: In 2012, according to felony charges of pandering and terroristic threats, Jason Dannelly tried to traffic two Midland students, warning one she “would be found floating down the Loop River” if she told anyone. When Benjamin Sasse refuses to acknowledge these godless acts happening under his nose, is he ignorant of the harm done to young women by the man he appointed to direct them? Or simply indifferent?

2014-2016

Benjamin Sasse made a successful run for U.S. Senate, financed by the shady Legacy Victory Committee. The bulk of his campaign contributions came from East Coast hedge funds, pharmaceutical firms, and assault weapons groups like the NRA and Gun Owners of America. Hedge funder and corporate raider Paul Singer gave the maximum allowable donation to the campaign. In return, Ben Sasse granted his silence when Singer’s Wall Street firm, Elliott Management, devoured one of the state’s most beloved keystone employers, Cabela’s, and with it the entire town of Sidney, Nebraska. Does Senator Benjamin Sasse really believe his bombast about virtue, ethics and responsibility? Or is his doggerel just a fig leaf for his nether lords?

2018

Benjamin Sasse voted to confirm his old torture memos chum, Brett Kavanaugh, to the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

2019-2020

As a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Benjamin Sasse has declined to support the Inspector General Access Act. This bipartisan legislation would enable the Department of Justice to investigate prosecutorial misconduct by Alexander Acosta, who granted the infamous sweetheart deal to Jeffrey Epstein in 2008. Ever the sylvan fixer, Big Daddy Benjamin has released multiple statements and tweets condemning the DOJ for Epstein’s crimes. But the Inspector General Access Act remains dormant in Benjamin Sasse’s committee. Is Senator Sasse working hard behind the scenes to bring justice to Epstein’s 100+ victims, or are his tweets and press releases the latest deflections in his time-tested pattern of cover-ups?

2020

Going full Venn Union on high school, Congressional Page procurement, and transfiguration from university prez to hustler-in-charge, Benjamin Sasse secured a new captive audience of teenage children and young adults from his very own alma mater, Fremont High, lighting a match to the oleaginous persona he’d shellacked onto himself, layer by layer, for a quarter of a century. Some argue he must have been channeling Oasis, seeking his own prairie glory as a Husker supernova in the rye.

Try again, Ben.